A Recluse on BDSM

Updated: Oct 23, 2018

Beyond Whips and Chains


Although this entry does not pertain to film, our next film, “Road of Bygones,” will touch on some of these dynamics. Art reflects life, as they say…


June 19, 2018

Recently, I have become more involved in the BDSM community. I don’t believe it was ever a secret that I am a Dominant in a relationship with a submissive. However, I never took much time to explore it outside of my own home. I have a busy schedule, yes, but mostly, it is just a hard subject to come upon by accident. So, I went in search of pages and people online (Twitter, FB, etc.) and was unpleasantly surprised to find that the majority of the D/s (Domination and submission) posts, specifically anecdotes, were coming from people who had been abused and turned to BDSM as a way to cope. The “drug” theme also seemed reoccurring, especially where Professional Dommes were involved. As a result, I wanted to dedicate a blog entry to people in the BDSM community who have not been abused and who live a perfectly healthy life with this dynamic, or any derivative thereof. As I say that, I am aware that people can cope in whatever way they like and I am in no way passing judgement on anyone’s history or choices. But I have noticed that the general stigma, seems to be that people who enjoy any part of the BDSM lifestyle are “damaged” or a product of poor circumstances. With this entry, I wanted to offer my perspective of it, my experience, and the experience of other “kinksters” to begin shifting the view of Dommes and Subs from negative to positive.

I learned that I was Domme in my early 20’s, I knew I was a lesbian during childhood because I had seen the one episode of “Friends,” obviously! I’m sure many of you probably had a similar experience (it was either that or Ellen in the 90’s). It was a long process of questions and self-acceptance from then on, but the fact that I had seen it, and I had put a name to it, really facilitated the exploration of my sexuality in the forming years that followed.

That was VERY different from the experience I had discovering my Domme self. I started dating at the age of 13 or 14… Who can remember? Of course, gay, straight, or bi, to my knowledge, a relationship was a relationship. They were all rather similar. You make compromises, everyone is equal, everyone fights but nothing gets physical, passive aggression is a common way of conflict resolution, and you take the good with the bad. A string of therapists from here to the South can sing you that song forwards and backwards. So, that was my life! There is nothing wrong with that life, unless of course you STILL feel like something is missing. Imagine being with a beautiful partner, you get along great, and everything seems to be a fairy tale, but you are still missing something, what is that thing? Ahhh… Well, what thousands of dollars of therapy failed to tell me, was that relationships are NOT all the same. In fact, I don’t believe there can even be a set number of combinations for the dynamics of relationships. I also believe that relationships can morph with time, I believe that they can evolve, dissipate, shift, end, and begin again. I certainly don’t believe that there is a one-size-fits-all recipe for a good, healthy relationship. But society would still have you believe that! I’ll fast forward…

So, there I was, another average day in the life of a Domme stuck in a Vanilla home and I came across a book. I won’t tell you what the book was called or what it’s about out of respect for the author, but the main thing is that it gave me a word for what I was missing “Domination and submission.” D/s… That’s it. I was a Domme. I knew it as soon as I saw the word, I knew it as surely as I knew my own gayness when I watched that episode of “Friends” with the lesbians. The reason I love AND hate the book, is because soon after I felt the joy of self-discovery, I was met by the good old “it led me to a drug habit” story. I was older this time and knew that things don’t have to be all-or-nothing, so I closed the book at that point and decided to investigate the Femdom on my own, without falling victim to self-harm.

The coming out process began AGAIN, this time, it was much more difficult to come out. People are gay now! People know what gay is! They see it, minimally, but it’s there, and everybody knows it. But how do you tell someone that your relationships involves punishments? How do you tell someone that you enjoy physical pain or that you are a sadist? How do you convince someone that you consent to your partner hitting you? When all they see is bruises and bruises are bad to most people! Furthermore, women can finally say “no” but they can’t really say “yes.” If a submissive woman says that she enjoys being humiliated, it raises Hell. Her “yes, I want this” is quickly undermined and looked over. She must be abused, she must be afraid of losing that person so she’s going along with with, “she must be…”

Her “yes” is not yet heard. I still have a difficult time coming out to people as a Domme. I have a difficult time defending my happiness when I constantly have to say “I am not abusive, there is consent here.” I feel that at this point, very few people get me, most go along with it, and several are made uncomfortable by it. I have been called “sick” and “degenerate” by lesbians and feminists despite my long history of lesbianism AND feminism. I have friends who mock my wife for being submissive and encourage her to “put me in my place.” I have to deal with being different all over again. I’m not saying this to get your compassion or to make myself a victim, it will take a lot more than ignorance to victimize me. However, I would like to take part in bringing some positive light to this dark little kinky corner. I would like to have a space here where Dommes, subs, or whatever else you might be, can be heard without judgement. So, without further ado, here are some entries from people in the D/s community who were courageous enough to share their experience with us.

I’ll leave it at that, for now



May 20, 2018

Astrid: Hi Nicole! Thanks for doing this interview. I wanted to do this because I have read a lot of articles recently that talk about the D/s and BDSM community, but I can’t seem to find one that doesn’t involve someone ALSO talking about being abused or doing drugs. I wanted to get the input from someone who is a real person and a fresh perspective on it. Are you a dominant or a submissive?

Nicole: Hello, Thanks for having me! I am thrilled to help to dispel the stereotype that seems to surround this. I am a submissive.

Astrid: Wonderful! I am very happy to be talking to you! And I know this is a personal matter, so thank you very much for coming forward and talking about it. I’m assuming you are a lifestyle sub?

Nicole: No problem. I haven’t always been open about it because it was always met with a lot of judgement and side eye. Yes I am.

Astrid: Yes, I can imagine. And are you currently in a relationship with a dominant?

Nicole: Yes I am. I am married to him.

Astrid: Great! congratulations

Nicole: Thank you!

Astrid: When and how did you find out you were a submissive? Was there something specific that sparked that interest?

Nicole: When I was younger I kept finding that I was unsatisfied by the “normal” sexual experience. It was frustrating because I am a very passionate person and very physical, but I was left frustrated and unsatisfied. I had relationships mostly with men but had with a few women as well. A woman that I was close to brought the subject up to me. I had honestly never entertained the thought before. She asked me to come with her somewhere and asked me to keep an open mind. She took me to, well, they called it a show, but it was a couple who was open to sharing their lifestyle, and they performed a scene for everyone. I was blown away.

Astrid: Wow! That sounds hot! What was the scene?

Nicole: The woman was blindfolded on a stage. At first, everything was touch. He would almost touch her. Just fingertips here and there. He kept building and building, and then he bound her hands behind her and his touches grew more aggressive, but he would purposely not touch her exactly where she wanted. As her body began to shake from the want and anticipation, he brought a chair out for her to sit on and then he bound her feet. He had her take him in her mouth and commanded her how to take him and what to do. I remember her climaxing just from giving him his pleasure. And then when the scene was done. His aftercare was fantastic.

Astrid: Awww! That’s so sweet!

Nicole: I had never seen such love and adoration in someone’s eyes. He looked at her like she was all the tea in China. And I left there knowing that was what I was missing.

Astrid: Yes, that’s very nice! I think it’s funny that most people would read that and react to the sex but not see the link in the care that goes into that. Especially the aftercare.

Nicole: Yes!

Astrid: That’s amazing that you got to discover yourself that way. What a great time you must have had! How did you go about dating after that?

Nicole: Yes I did! It was difficult. I didn’t know how to go about seeking someone that had a like preference. It doesn’t help that I also live in the buckle of the Bible belt.

Astrid: It must be risky for you to find people in the D/s community in the bible belt. Are you very selective about the people you tell?

Nicole: It is! I am very selective. My sister is my best friend and I even held off telling her for a long time because of the backlash I was met with before. So at first, I would try just talking about it with a person who wanted to date me. At first it was disastrous. I was laughed at, labeled a freak.

Astrid: I’m so sorry to hear that. Unfortunately, I am not surprised. How did you find your current Dom?

Nicole: I met him at work. Funny, he was pretty much a virgin when we met. He had only had sex once before and had decided that sex was overrated. We became fast friends. I had never been that close to someone before, and one night we slept together and he started naturally assuming the dominate role.

Astrid: Hahaha, most of the D/s people I have met, usually find sex boring because it’s missing that “mental” aspect that is so intriguing about a D/s relationship.

Nicole: Yes! I had never really talked about this aspect of my life, but I assumed he must be a Dominant so I talked to him about it and he said he’d never heard of it.

Astrid: Gotcha. Did you guys talk a lot about it after that?

Nicole: He said “I mean sure, you hear about kinky stuff. But not what you are talking about.” His eyes glazed over after I told him what I liked and what I needed and he said “I wish I would have known sooner.”

Astrid: Perfect match!

Nicole: And then we proceeded to have the most mind blowing sex of my life lol. Yes! And we grew and learned together.

Astrid: Lol! Of course you did!

Astrid: Do you consider yourselves “kinky” as well as D/s? I know some people have kinks ONLY and some people that have NO kinks but are still D/s.

Nicole: Yes we have some kinks lol.

Astrid: Would you mind sharing some kinks? You don’t have to get into details just, generally.

Nicole: I like being choked/asphyxiated.

Astrid: You can’t see me, but I’m clapping.

Nicole: Haha. I enjoy spanking…A lot

Astrid: Still clapping.

Nicole: I like being pushed to my limit on the pain/pleasure threshold, and he loves doing it.

Astrid: That’s amazing. I’m so glad you found such a good match.

Nicole: He feeds off the amount of trust I give him by allowing him to do so.

Astrid: I understand that. Trust is everything.

Nicole: Yes it is. So many people don’t understand that. You have to have the most ultimate trust in this type of relationship.

Astrid: Oh believe me, I know! People don’t understand it, even AFTER I explain it. Of course, it makes perfect sense to me. I’m glad to be talking to you about it because I think most people misunderstand. It’s just such a “hidden” subject.

Nicole: But he can blind me, tie me up, and push every limit I have and when I’m covered with evidence of him…it leaves me soaking and breathless. I couldn’t do that without love and trust. I believe it’s still one of the most “taboo” things.

Astrid: I think people miss that whole [trust] part, and that’s why they stigmatize D/s people.

Nicole: Yes!

Astrid: Do you feel that submissives get a worse reputation than Dominants?

Nicole: Yes, because people think we romanticize abuse.

Astrid: Exactly. What kind of backlash do you get when you tell people?

Nicole: It’s infuriating. He would never put hands on me in anger or to hurt.

Astrid: Absolutely, it is. Then they assume you are damaged and you must be looking for something to cope.

Nicole: Everything we do is for pleasure and gratification for BOTH of us. Yes! They look for the psychological brokenness in me that creates this unnatural need.

Astrid: Totally. Believe me, I get that a lot. Do you have specific rules that you live by? Or do you go by instinct?

Nicole: At first we had rules. Now we go mostly by instinct because we have been together so long. We do “check in” to make sure we each are OK with what’s happening.

Astrid: I just had such a huge smile because I completely get that, when you get each other so well that the rules become sort of unspoken. You can just feel the other person.

Nicole: Yes! It’s euphoric. I understand why sex can be compared to a religious experience, because when you are that connected, it is.

Astrid: Oh yes, I wish more people would have this kind of sex. I think the world would be a lot more relaxed!

Nicole: Yes, ma’am!

Astrid: Do you guys have a punishment ritual? if so, would you mind sharing what some of those might be and how they differ from “Vanilla” fights?

Nicole: We do have rituals. He knows that I have a need to misbehave and to be punished for it.

Astrid: What about when you unintentionally misbehave?

Nicole: [In that case] we have a question, he will ask it if he’s unsure if I am “playing.”

Astrid: Ohhh that’s pretty useful!

Nicole: Yes.

Astrid: Look at that, communication! Haha.

Nicole: In our early days he had a different name. If I [called him by] that name, he knew what it was, and same for me. [If] he wanted to initiate punishment, he would use it. We can be quite merciless with each other at times. We own a karate school and compete in tournaments.

Astrid: That is AWESOME.

Nicole: At a particular tournament he was fighting in, I started heckling him from the sidelines and used his other name.

Astrid: Does he also like pain? I am a Domme and I have my submissive hurt me sometimes. Does your Dom enjoy pain too?

Nicole: Yes, he does.

Astrid: That’s great that you use different names, that way you know what’s going on without having to use words that will turn anyone off.

Nicole: Yes. We found it worked best.

Astrid: It seems like you guys have a wonderful connection. Do you use a Safeword?

Nicole: I feel we do and are blessed by it. Yes we do. We have one for [when] things are all good, one that means “we like this but further than what’s currently happening” and then of course one to stop. Earlier when I said we just “check in” that’s what I meant.

Astrid: I see, got it, thank you for clarfying

Nicole: Sometimes he will just ask by using our “all good” word to make sure that what we’re doing is good.

Astrid: That’s a great system. It’s funny because even though we are one community, every D/s couple does things differently, so sometimes I find myself online and I see D/s people fight with each other about what’s right and wrong. I think it’s important to respect each relationship for what it is.

Nicole: I know! I’ve been told before that we don’t so this “right.”

Astrid: It’s so silly that people think there is only one answer for everything.

Nicole: It is! And frustrating.

Astrid: You’ve been told that by other D/s people?

Nicole: Yes! Some seem to think there’s only one way to “play.” One set of rules and if you vary outside of it, then you’re wrong. I grew up with my sister being a lesbian–

Astrid: I know. It’s very refreshing to talk to you. You seem like you are so respectful and intelligent. It kills me that someone would assume you are damaged or something. I feel very protective of my sub in that respect as well.

Nicole: Mine is very protective as well.

Nicole: –everyone always had one set of rules to how sex should be and it made me mad. So when they do this with my lifestyle, it feels the same.

Astrid: I’m sure, and you have every right to be mad. I Totally get it.

Nicole: So, when I’ve been on the receiving end of unkind words and judgement, he has

always been my champion, even though he knows I can do it myself.

Astrid: Hell yeah, you’re a karate champion.

Nicole: Yes!

Astrid: I can imagine. I am sure that he loves you tremendously and protects you.

Nicole: It’s nice to know you don’t have to stand alone in it.

Astrid: Yes it is. It’s nice when someone understands your power but wants to protect you anyway. He knows he has your consent.

Nicole: Yes. The worse for me is when it is damaging to other things in my life.

Astrid: Like what?

Nicole: I teach “Women’s Self Defense” and “Rape Prevention” classes for our community, and we taught self-defense at the community college for years. People who knew about this would say “isn’t that hypocritical? You teach them to defend themselves against what you welcome.” That wounded me to my core! And I became even more inclusive about who I told.

Astrid: Wow, that’s incredibly insulting.

Nicole: I was afraid of misconceptions ruining the good work we do, and we work with children.

Astrid: I think that happens a lot and I think it’s important to have these discussions out there. 100% of things I’ve read lately somehow link this lifestyle to abuse.

Nicole: We’ve had 3 world champions come out of our school and I never wanted people to fear their children being around us.

Astrid: Yes, I can understand how that would be risky [for you]. It’s hard to explain something new to people.

Nicole: Yes it is. The area we are in, as I mentioned before, makes it even tougher.

Astrid: I think the work you guys are doing is wonderful. Thank you for being such a great example.

Nicole: But we do have a small amount of friends that know and love us just the same. Thank you. It’s very important to us. We have a lot of special needs kids and working with them is AMAZING. Watching the way martial arts can help them is one of the most rewarding things ever.

Astrid: I can only imagine! It must feel great to do such good work.

Nicole: Yes. But this is why I was eager to do this interview, to try to help bring the real picture to the forefront.

Astrid: Me too! I am so glad that you wrote me!

Astrid: How do you feel about the things representing BDSM in the media right now?

Nicole: I think it has mixed results. It’s opened a lot of conversations. But in turn, everyone thinks every Dom is “Christian Grey.”

Astrid: Hahahaha, tell me about it. When I tell people their knee jerk reaction is to say “oh you mean like 50 shades?” and i’m just like… never mind.

Nicole: That they are damaged and need to hurt just to hurt and satisfy a brokenness in them. I mean, it’s fiction. I write and love fiction but people need to take it at that.

Astrid: Yeah, definitely.

Nicole: I don’t expect every vanilla relationship to be like the romance novels. Please, people…lol.

Astrid: Sometimes people will tell me they get it, but then we’re all hanging out and for example, I’ll have my sub do something and they tell her to stand up for herself, as if I’m hurting her or something.

Nicole: Exactly!

Astrid: Hahahaha, right??

Nicole: Same thing here. Like when he had me make his plate for dinner once, someone said “it’s not the 50’s, girl. Stop being a doormat.”

Astrid: Oh, for fuck’s sake…

Nicole: That was my response.

Astrid: I know, we get that all the time. Sometimes people won’t even have to say anything, I can feel them looking at me, wondering what’s wrong with me to have to want to have this kind of relationship.

Nicole: To me, it’s simple give and take. We give each other what we need and we each take from the other what we need. Why does it matter how that manifests?

Astrid: I don’t know, I think people feel threatened when others do things differently. And for some reason, they don’t believe you when you say you consent. I wish people would listen when women say they consent.

Nicole: No one is hurting each other, no one is enslaved. Precisely.

Astrid: It’s important when a woman or man says no, it’s also important when they say yes. Don’t think you know me better than I know myself.

Nicole: Yes! If I lived by their rules, my life would be dismal.

Astrid: Me too, me too.

Nicole: Even though 50 Shades isn’t completely relevant. I died laughing when E.L. James said “people need to relax and know that they can just enjoy a good fucking spanking without it having to be such a big deal!”

Astrid: Hahahahaha! Totally.

Astrid: Thank you, Nicole. It was a pleasure hearing your beautiful story. I think it’s almost like a fairy tale. I hope more people find out about themselves so beautifully, like you did.

Nicole: I do too! Thank you for letting me tell it! I’ve had the best time!

Astrid: Me too! it’s nice to talk to someone that has a similar way of life. I never get to do it

Nicole: Though I don’t think Disney will tell mine any time soon.

Astrid: And that’s a damn shame!!

Nicole: Yes it is!

Astrid: I could have saved a good 10 years of my life had I known i was a Domme sooner!

Nicole: I don’t get to just talk about it with many, either.

Astrid: You do wonderful work and the world is better place for having you two in it. Have a great night!!

Nicole: Thanks, you too!


June 6, 2018

BDSM & Why

“There are lots of different opinions on the BDSM community and its people, some people believe it’s a normal/ok thing, while others think it’s horrible and everyone who partakes must have been either raped by their parents or abused by a partner, that may be the case with some people but I personally didn’t face either.

I have always been interested in stuff considered outside the norm, weather that’s outsider art, strange food, or like this writing shows, BDSM. It’s not all whips and chains, there’s a long list of fetishes and activities people can like and do. Ranging from dominant/submissive relationships to being suspended from the ceiling with a pulley system, it really all depends what you’re looking for.

I personally like rope because it gives a feeling of freedom, I know that sounds strange. How can disablement and the lack of movement give you freedom? But if you spend hours on end being relied and looked at for guidance and rules, there is something in handing over trust to someone else and just handing over the power. It balances out your systems and brings you back down to earth.”


This entry will remain open, although I am no longer doing interviews on it. If you are a Dominant, submissive, or anything other related to BDSM, and want to write a piece for this entry, email it to, subject line: BDSM.

Feel free to comment with questions or comments, please remain respectful, especially if this is a new topic for you, or if you have disagreements or reservations. I will let anyone answer and I’ll try to leave the comments alone so that everyone can share their perspective, but as always, any sign of abuse or disrespect will be deleted.

I am a bit nervous about opening up this discussion, but it’s time.

Much love,


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